With the federal government primed to dictate operations at General Motors, President Obama has reportedly solicited various departments for their automotive design ideas. An anonymous source has supplied a few of the ideas to the Whidbey News-Times. We vow to go to jail if we have to in order to protect our source, mainly because jail looks pretty good to journalists in the present economy. Where else can we get three squares a day and a roof over our heads? And prisons still have newspapers.
President Obama reportedly asked the various departments to fix car costs at $25,000 per copy, and meet a fleet mileage goal of 40 mpg.
Department of Defense: Sir! We can do it, sir! First, our government-designed car needs to meet certain criteria, such a guaranteeing we can make it to grandmother’s house: It should be fast, able to track through mud, able to ford rivers (both above and below), and able to take short, aerial hops when necessary, while being armored against the various threats protecting grandma from her relatives. We predict $25,000 per vehicle, and 40 mpg, sir! (If the finished product actually costs $250,000 and gets 4 mph gallon, that’s just the way we operate, sir!)
Department of Agriculture: Mr. President, our recommended vehicle consumes distilled food as fuel and while it won’t specifically meet the goal of 40 mpg, we can meet the goal simply by paying consumers not to drive their vehicles. Let’s say the national mileage quota is two trillion miles a year. At 20 mph, our vehicles will travel only one trillion miles per year. But if we pay people not to drive one trillion miles, it will still work out the same. We’ll be happy to send checks to the non-drivers as they vacation in Florida and Hawaii.
Equal Opportunity Commission: Mr. President, our first priority in designing the government car is to make sure everyone is treated equally inside the vehicle. For that reason, we have decided there can be no back seat, just to eliminate the possibility of a minority being in back. To avoid the wrong person being at the controls, we will need three steering wheels in front, not just one, to assure proper minority representation. We reserve to right to require more steering wheels as overlooked minorities take us to court. Our estimate is that a three-seat, three-steering wheel vehicle can easily achieve 40 mpg, particularly if two of the drivers get out and push. The cost can easily be kept to $25,000 with the proper subsidies.
Treasury Department: Mr. President, the secret to an affordable, high-mileage automobile is private enterprise, which is why we propose printing billions upon billions of dollars and giving the money to private enterprise so they can produce the car you seek. First, we’ll start with the banks, who need money to loan to car manufacturers and purchasers, then we’ll give money to foreign manufacturers, so their feelings won’t be hurt. The ultimate car might cost $2;5 million per copy in funny money, but that translates into $25,000 in what was formerly described as real money.
These are only a few of the automotive ideas heading to President Obama’s desk for his consideration. Insiders say he’s likely to take the best of the ideas and combine them into one government-approved vehicle able to satisfy everyone. And when we say one, we mean it literally, because that’s all we as a nation will be able to afford.
