From: MegaBank
To: Former Homeowner
Dear Former Homeowner:
We apologize for not communicating with you more frequently in recent months. We fondly recall when we would send you letters several times a week, strongly recommending that you refinance your house and harvest some of that equity for a new car, new appliances, that dream vacation, or to make sure little Johnny and Susie would stay away at prep school for another year.
As you may have realized by now, your friendly “too big to fail” MegaBank has been distracted. It takes time and money to arrange a Congressional bailout, all the while taking huge bonuses for ourselves after having wiped out millions of unfortunate homeowners such as yourself. But things are all square now. Our assets include a record number of Congress members and a steady infusion of your money which they have kindly donated to our cause, and now we are ready to once again bestow our beneficence upon you, the former homeowner.
We know you may be reading this from the front seat of your second car, the one you had paid off before the credit crisis that resulted in you losing your home and your primary car, which you had so proudly purchased with cash after having refinanced your home through your friends at MegaBank. We’re sorry that your spacious American vehicle was repossessed and you’re living in the 10-year-old Civic you were keeping for Johnny if he could only pass one semester at prep school. How ironic it must be that his reward is now your home.
Having borrowed your way to homelessness at our urging, we at MegaBank have been wondering how we can restore your borrowing power and put you back on the path to the American dream where you owe on a home, several cars, a hot tub, exotic vacation packages and your in-home movie studio. We racked our brains to come up with something you could use for collateral, now that you’ve lost everything but the old Civic and the second-hand clothes on your back.
Then we realized that you still have little Johnny and Susie. These children are valuable. No doubt, far more valuable than you realize. MegaBank can now offer you a chance to mortgage each of these bright-eyed children and any more you may create as your desires dictate.
This revenue market is new to Wall Street banks, but human trafficking has been a successful business model for generations. We can offer you up to $50,000 for Johnny, or $100,000 for the pair, with the low introductory interest rate of 2 percent for one year, after which it increases to market rates, but we won’t worry about that now.
Think of it: $100,000 in cash, and keep Johnny and Susie as long as you make the payments. With that kind of money you can make a down payment on a repossessed house, buy a new Toyota and have money left over to fulfill whatever wild dreams you may have: A refrigerator with food in it, perhaps.
You of course will retain title to Johnny and Susie as long as you meet your payment schedule. Should you fall behind, there’s no need to worry. Your children will simply be shipped to some exotic location, say a “boarding house” in Bangkok or in the “harem” of the Sultan of Buhah or some other potentate. Such an existence has its amenities, and you will no doubt see your children on the Internet from time to time. And let’s face it, it’s cheaper than boarding school.
One reminder: If you mortgage your children we will sell the mortgage to a third party, who in turn will sell derivatives and insure the whole package with child credit default swaps. You can’t lose, they can’t lose, and, thanks to Congress, we can’t lose. As for Johnny and Susie, they really should have studied harder.
Sincerely,
Your friends at MegaBank
