Welcome to Uncle Sam’s New Car Lot, where $4,500 in cash for your clunker will put a brand new car in your very own garage.

Get rid of that 20-year-old clunker with its 15 mpg, and slide into the front seat of this new gem, which averages an amazing 25 mpg in highway and city driving.

Think of the money you’ll save! The average driver will save $100 a month is gasoline alone! Uncle Sam is giving you this money because he loves you, and he wants you to drive a car like those driven by your friends and neighbors. No need to be ashamed of that old clunker any more. The kids will no longer beg to be dropped off a block away from school. You’ll proudly be driving a brand new machine, like every good American should.

Don’t think of the money you’ll lose! That’s not what cash for clunkers is all about. Sure, your clunker is paid for. There’s no monthly coupon to tear out of a book thicker than the list of banks on the brink of bankruptcy. Just remember the gas money you’ll be saving.

Uncle Sam sees that you have your eye on this fine gas-sipping sedan for only $20,000. Fine, we’ll bring it down to $15,500 with our cash for clunker deal, assuming you act now before the money’s gone. Add tax, title and paperwork preparation fee, and you’re back up to about $17,500 to trade in that old clunker of yours.

Having owned your clunker for 20 years, you may have forgotten about payments, so let’s refresh your memory. The way it works is you pay a little every month, and pretty soon the car is all yours. Let’s figure you can afford $300 a month. Divide that into $17,500, and you’ve got only 58 monthly payments and change to deal with. But wait, there’s more! You’ve got to add interest, so maybe it’ll take an extra 24 months to pay off that fine vehicle, meaning it will be all yours in only less than seven years! Uncle Sam would give you exact figures, but he’s reluctant to do that because the pesky Congressional Budget Office always points out his mathematical mistakes, but suffice it to say, you’ll be the proud owner of that new gas-sipper of yours by 2017, maybe sooner!

Uncle Sam’s New Car Lot believes in full disclosure, so we must point out insurance. No doubt your old clunker only has liability, because it isn’t worth much. With your new car purchased on contract you’ll need mandatory collision as well as theft, because it’s worth stealing. So figure another $75 a month, but remember, you’re saving $100 a month on gas so you can easily afford a little more insurance!

Thank Congress for the cash for clunker program, bailing out Americans who are saddled with affordable automobiles. This program puts you where every good American is supposed to be — squarely in debt. You’ll owe the bank $17,500, you’ll be paying more to the insurance company, and if you miss a payment or two, you’ll be riding the bus. In the meantime, the banks and insurance companies can invest your money in America, or exotic financial vehicles, whichever look more profitable.

Congratulations on getting rid of that old clunker! Oh, there’s one more thing: That first payment is due Sept. 1.