Enough with this cat mystery. I know what is killing the darling little felines as last week, with my own two eyeballs, I espied a Chupacabra with half of a cat in its mouth. Chupas are primarily known for sucking the blood out of goats but they are also quite fond of cat-snacks.

Chupacabras were first discovered in Puerto Rico then gradually migrated to Mexico. Sightings have increased tenfold during the last six years due to global warming and President Bush not signing the Kyoto treaty. Once in Mexico the Chupacabras had no problem crossing the border with the rest of the illegal aliens. From there they not doubt stowed away in a Californian’s U-Haul trailer and hitched a ride to Langley.

Now that they are on this island, goat owners must wrap the necks of their goats with a minimum of five layers of heavy-duty aluminum foil and spray them with a Chupacabra repellant made from fermented lutfisk. This will not work on cats as they are attracted to anything that smells like lutfisk and will promptly lick off the repellant. The only way for you cat lovers to protect your precious little pets is to keep your cat indoors!

Now for the good news: When Chupas are denied goat blood or cat-snacks they will develop a taste for loony leftist.  When this happens Ann Adams, the cartoonist Priggee, 90 percent of the Coupeville residents, and all members of WEAN will either have to stay in the house or be sprayed with the repellant.

Further information maybe found on Al Gore’s Information Superhighway.

Long live the Chupacabra.

D.K. Ledgerwood

Oak Harbor