We now bring you the Election Answer Man to help Washingtonians with the increasingly difficult duty of casting a ballot. Please feel free to call in with any questions right after this commercial message.

CALLER: Hello Mr. Election Answer Man, I’m sure glad you’re here to clear up us voters’ confusion! I hear that Secretary of State Sam Reed is requiring ID this year before anyone is allowed to cast a ballot at the polls.

ANSWER MAN: That’s right, caller. To protect the sanctity of the ballot, Mr. Reed wants to make certain that the person listed in the voter registration book is actually the person voting. You can’t be too careful now that polling places have been consolidated and hardly anyone knows anyone any more.

CALLER: That makes sense, but I vote from home by absentee ballot. How do I prove who I am?

ANSWER MAN: The new ID rule doesn’t apply to the vast majority who cast their votes at home. Just sign and send in your ballot as usual.

CALLER: Then this means I can go ahead and let my pet chicken vote for me?

ANSWER MAN: Theoretically, as long as you sign the ballot.

CALLER: That’s great. Last year I voted for Bush, so this year I’m not trusting myself. Even my chicken can do a better job of pecking out those holes on the ballot. All I have to do is spread a little corn on top.

ANSWER MAN: Does your chicken tend to peck to the left or to the right? That’s important, because the courts have once again thrown out Washington’s primary system, meaning voters will have to select either a Democrat or Republican ballot.

CALLER: My chicken is mainly a left pecker, so I guess that makes him a Democrat. But sometimes he pecks to the right like a Republican, so I hate to request just a Democrat ballot. Guess I’ll think it over because the next primary isn’t until 2006. Maybe by then the chicken will become a more consistent pecker. This bird could go far. He’s not so bright, but it’s loyalty that counts in party politics and the most trusted peckers always rise to the top.

ANSWER MAN: Just don’t let him peck out his signature when he’s done voting. That could get your chicken fried. Each county auditor’s office is staffed with highly trained handwriting experts, fully capable of discerning a chicken’s scratchings from a doctor’s scrawl.

CALLER: It’s hard to believe they can actually match all those signatures when thousands and thousands of ballots have to be checked. That would take a real expert, like the guy who takes the stand in Perry Mason reruns on the Hallmark Channel.

ANSWER MAN: Not only are the auditor’s employees handwriting experts, they’re also highly trained phrenologists. Stop by any time and have them read the bumps on your head. They’ll probably do your chicken if they’ve got time.

CALLER: So, as I understand it, my chicken votes and I sign the ballot and we’re home free. Nobody will be the wiser.

ANSWER MAN: Correct, and you’ll make history with the first chicken to vote in an election despite Secretary Reed’s heroic efforts to protect the sanctity of the ballot. If this catches on, in a few years the two parties will be fighting over the poultry vote, promising a fox in every pot.