Every Christmas in recent years my thoughts have turned to Santa Claus. Not the gifts he may bring me, or the joy he gives to children throughout the world, but to his suspenders. Wearing suspenders suggests that the Jolly Old Elf is a practical man at heart, more interested in keeping his pants up comfortably than conforming to the fashion norm.
As I recall, suspenders used to be a more common male attire. Grandfathers could be counted on to wear them, as could firemen (no firewomen in those days). Both my grandfathers wore suspenders and neither one was shaped like Santa. They were skinny, but practical. Why bother with a tight belt when suspenders appear to do the job more comfortable?
You don’t see many suspenders today, even on large men who have trouble breathing because of the tightness of their belts. Cinching the belt tightly enough to keep the pants up has the drawback of cutting off circulation and oxygen. I suspect there would be far fewer strokes and heart attacks if more males abandoned the tight leather belt for loose but effective suspenders.
A fellow on the bus the other day was wearing suspenders. Bright red ones. He’s about my age but thinner. I rarely mention fashion, but did comment that I admired his courage to wear suspenders. He explained that he was so skinny that he kept running out of belt notches, so the suspenders solved his problem. My condition was the opposite, but I made a mental note to try suspenders some time. It’s been weeks since that brief conversation and the fellow hasn’t worn the suspenders for a second time. I suspect he spent the whole day explaining to people why he was wearing suspenders and didn’t get any work done.
I wish the style-setting, hip-hop crowd would start wearing suspenders, then we could all give them a try. Instead of sagging their pants, they could see how high they could suspend their pants, like Urkel, for those of you who remember the “Family Matters” sitcom. Hip-hop music would suddenly become higher pitched. Urkel was the last TV character to regularly wear suspenders and that was only so he would look like even more of a nerd. Only the nerdiest nerds wear suspenders, which suggests how low on the fashion totem pole they sit.
If you want someone to look like an extreme nerd, or even a country bumpkin, put them in suspenders. At least that’s what TV writers think, and that’s why I don’t care if they ever come back from the strike.
If Santa, my role model, were to bring me some suspenders Christmas morning, I’d have mixed feelings. I’d appreciate his desire to spread his practical fashion sense to others, and no doubt I’d try them on in front of the dog. But I don’t know if I’d ever have the courage to wear them in public. Imagining all the stares and questions is daunting. Maybe I’ll try them if I don’t feel so alone. Santa, please pass out suspenders to all the other expanding baby boomers on the island.
