When John McCain’s campaign likened Barack Obama to Paris Hilton and Britney Spears last week, millions of Americans were outraged by the comparison. Others couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened had Ms. Hilton and Ms. Spears been elected, say, eight years ago, and how their first cabinet meeting might have gone.

Greetings President Hilton . . .

President Paris: Cut the Hilton, Secretary Rumsfield. Everyone knows me as Paris and that’s what you should call me. So, what’s going on, Donnie?

Secretary Rumsfeld: Well, Ms. President – I mean President Paris – we’ve got a big problem. In a word: Iraq.

Vice President Britney: Excuse me, Donnie! But you don’t rock. I rock! How many albums have you sold?

Rumsfield: Excuse me for not speaking more clearly. I didn’t say “I-ROCK, I said “I-RACK,” which is a country in the Middle East.

President Paris: If you two don’t stop squabbling, I’ll call in 50 Cent, my sergeant-at-arms. So what’s the big deal with this Iraq place?

Rumsfeld: Why they’re our No. 1 threat! They’ve got WMD! They’re a threat to the entire world!

Vice President Britney: I thought I knew all the brands, but I never heard of WMD. Is that sportswear, or maybe some urban lingo I’ve yet to pick up on?

Rumsfeld: No, it’s weapons of mass destruction.

President Paris: You mean airplanes, bombs, army, navy, air force, that stuff?

Rumsfeld: Since we kicked their tails back in ‘92, they’ve got hardly any of that left. But they’ve got WMDs, which is why we have to invade.

Britney: So they’ve got, like, some poisonous gas or something? And if we invade, like, won’t a lot of people die and wouldn’t it make a big mess?

Rumsfeld: Trust me, they’ll be glad we invaded.

President Hilton: Vice President Britney is right, Donnie. You don’t rock at all. I’m giving your job to 50 Cent, who at least knows his own territory. What’s our next problem?

Secretary of Health: Our next problem is health care. Millions of Americans who don’t feel well just can’t afford to see a doctor.

President Paris: What makes me feel better every morning is putting on a pair of cute shoes. I’ve noticed that as a whole Americans have a cute shoe deficit. You can’t buy cute shoes at Wal-Mart. I say we buy 300 million pairs of cute shoes, just so Americans can feel better about themselves.

Secretary of Labor: Sorry, but we can’t make that many cute shoes. Don’t have the infrastructure. We’ll have to borrow money and buy them from China.

Vice President Britney: Pardon me, but China doesn’t know cute. We should make our own, based on designs by President Paris and myself.

President Paris: Yes, we’ll start manufacturing our own shoes, and other stuff too. And stop borrowing money, you idiot! Eventually they’ll cancel our credit cards.

Vice President Britney: President Paris is right about that, we need to be spending our own money. She and I are both highly successful and make plenty of our own money, and we spend our own money. Never borrowed a nickel. That’s how America will operate from now on.

Secretary of Treasury: You’re taking about no wars, taking steps to make Americans healthier, and balancing the budget. That’s not how things are done around her!

President Paris: 50 Cent, clear the room! It’s obvious none of these people know how to make a record, make money, balance a budget, or get along with their neighbors. We’ll appoint a new cabinet tomorrow and get on with putting America on the right track.

Vice President Britney: Party time!