It’s embarrassing to have an uneducated dog. People come over and want to see the dog do some tricks and it just sits there with a stupid grin on its face hoping for a Milkbone that it hasn’t done anything to earn.

Razzle’s lack of learning is probably my fault. A few half-hearted attempts during his puppyhood to teach him to sit up, go to sleep, roll over and speak failed. He didn’t catch on quickly, due no doubt to some undiagnosed learning disability. He was too inattentive to learn, and frankly I didn’t want to pay a veterinarian for help or put him on fashionable drugs to make him sit still and learn. Now, a dozen years later, Razzle is well into his senior years. He has lived a productive life, harassing the family cat and chasing squirrels and rabbits, and he even earned a couple of medals of valor for chasing raccoons out of the house. But he’s never had a Dog School diploma, which is something he deserves before he goes to that great bunny-filled pasture in the sky.

Unfortunately, Razzle still won’t listen to a thing I say. He got his attitude from watching the kids, who always ignored my advice but grew up fine anyway. But he deserves an education, which makes me think the best place to get it is in the public school system.

I’m not the only islander with an untrained dog. I see them all over, barking when they shouldn’t bark, pooping where they shouldn’t poop, and entirely unable to fathom commands. They should all be required to go to Dog School.

And the fact is our island schools have plenty of room. There aren’t nearly the number of children there were 10 or more years ago. Islanders have wised up. Why raise thankless kids and pay for their college when you can have a dog? They’re much better companions, they’re genuinely happy to see you after a hard day’s work, and when they near college age they are considerate enough to die. Who could ask for anything more? School district revenues would increase, as they’re paid by the head, even if it’s a furry head.

Our learning-challenged dogs could fill up our unused classrooms and allow school districts to rehire all those teachers they’ve laid off. I haven’t asked any teachers about this, but it’s likely they’d much rather teach dogs than kids. Dogs don’t talk back, don’t have any pants to sag, and don’t write nasty things about you on FaceBook. Teachers will be fighting for the dog rooms.

All we need to make this happen is for our ever-gullible state legislators to fully fund dog education. Fortunately, Democrats are in charge. If they won’t fork over the money we’ll angrily allege that they’re speciesists, biased against four-legged mammals. Being Democrats, they’ll cave. After raising taxes, our legislators can busy themselves adopting a dog curriculum, setting dog education guidelines and benchmarks, hiring expensive consultants, come up with WOOFL exams to test proficiency, and all that other stuff they do to ruin human education. It won’t be so painful when they do it to dogs.

I can’t wait for the day when Razzle and I are out waiting for the school bus. After 12 dog years, which is less than two years in human years, I’ll proudly hang his Whidbey Island Dog School Diploma on the wall and throw him a well-deserved Milkbone.